People thought I was the victim, but victims are innocent and it was my fault.
Sometimes we become too good at hurting that once we find something worth loving,we just forget how to love. And you did the same. My fault was I became too empty after you left so the second time you came back there was no me, it was just body with brain and a pumping heart but the heart forgot how to pump emotions and life. Well I told everyone that I don’t love you anymore and neither of us can tell if I was lying. If old habits sunk hard then addiction even harder and this on par with 3 cigarettes a night ,this on par with getting high with unknown faces every random nights. Old love like addiction is tricky. My insides light up like devil when you came back the second time,and I convinced myself that I don’t know you anymore.Don’t ask me if I love you because I don’t and even if I do then It’s far away from serene stars 3 am at night and cute pillow fights and more like a fading polaroid. More like the blinding sun rays in scorching afternoon and less like beautiful rainy night. More like the cutting of beautiful tree with ruthless mind and less like planting beautiful seedlings and generating life. It’s less and less like love and more like the emptiness,detached way you try to stay with the people you once loved.
Losing you changed me and that change is something I never imagined and trust me I can’t bear. From speaking too much, now words has to priced out from my mouth like stones from ground. And when people tell me that they care about me I just back off or act blunt.I don’t pick up the phone calls and ignore the texts knowingly. I’ve lost interest in songs and 2am night out. I have stopped recognising people I once knew so well. I am acting weird,differently in the way no one can understand. Just to let you know I’ve stopped reacting to your memories too.
What I’m trying to say is I never expected that losing you that day I’ll end up losing myself too.